1. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
4. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
5. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
6. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
7. If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
8. Horn broken…watch for finger.
9. It’s not how you pick your nose… it’s where you put the booger.
10. If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my @ss.
11. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your @SS?
12. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
13. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an @sshole.
14. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
15. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
16. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
17. DON’T PISS ME OFF! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
18. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
19. Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!
20. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
21. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
22. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
23. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
24. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
25. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
26. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
27. Hang up and drive.
28. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
29. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 30. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.