10 things you don’t want to hear on an airplane:

10. This is your captain speaking and I don’t feel that life is worth living anymore.

09. We’re cruising at an altitude of…ah, hell, I don’t know.

08. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?


06. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep ’em coming!

05. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmmm. I seem to have lost my memory.

04. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine sound funny to you?

03. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!

02. Good God, Steve! We’re going to crash! Oops — is the intercom on?

01. We’ll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or the other.


17 responses to “10 things you don’t want to hear on an airplane:

  1. Or this:

    /Slim Pickens voice/ Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader’s mule, the radio is gone and we’re leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we’d need sleigh bells on this thing… but we got one little budge on them Rooskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain’t gonna spot us on no radar screen!

  2. LOL…now that’s a dire situation right there!

  3. I’m home now. Thank you for all the well wishes and support!

  4. Dazd….welcome back! No problem, I know you’d do the same. Are you glad to be home again?

  5. #10 should also ID the pilot as a panicked Terrell Owens. Ok, you can throw the tomatoes at me now. It was a bad, bad attempt at a joke…

    LOVE the list, MRS JGB. Really makes me want to fly the friendly skies. LOL.

  6. Hey, you should have listed the things our pilot said to us going to Florida that one year.

  7. I can’t even think of those without breaking out into a sweat and calling my therapist!

  8. “Pass me the pipe before you start smoking the wood”

    Is also scary coming from the captain.

  9. Hey DaZd, Im holding for you.

  10. What did he say? “We’ve had a slight flight change…we’re going to Cuba?”

  11. Please tell me it wasn’t Dan Rather subbing for a pilot.

  12. No Michelle….LOL. We were flying through some stormy weather and the plane was being bounced around like crazy. The pilot came on and said “Ladies and Gentlemen we’ve tried flying above the storm and we’ve tried flying below it and nothing seems to be working, but if we can think of anything else to try we’ll let you know. Please stay in your seats and keep your seatbelts on for your safety”.

  13. Michelle, the funny thing is there was a man sitting in front of us who smelled like a brewery (He seemed totally oblivious to our plight) and after the pilot said what he said I told Drago that if the plane didn’t straighten up soon I was going to go slap that guy down and take his drink!

  14. As the plane comes in for landing on the runway and starts to ascend again: “folks, we’ll need to take a detour over the ocean….” That actually happened to us at LAX, the plane was just about to land when they started ascending again. It was one rough landing the second time!! I had these white knuckles that stayed that way a day or two.

    These were hilarious!

    btw, you want an OCTOPUS photo??!!!! don’t make me dive down in the water, I swear…

  15. OMG—the turbulence alone would have panicked me. You both have a such good sense of humor.

  16. Laura…grab your snorkel! 🙂

  17. Number one should be “Allahu Akbar!”

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