Well this morning I was thinking back to different things that have happened to me in my lifetime and I happened upon a memory that might be amusing to you all. Just think back to that tender age of 21, that age where you were suddenly bestowed with the power to enter a night club. Actually after my 21st birthday celebration I really didn’t think too much about it…that is until I heard an announcement on the radio talking about the Chippendale’s “all male review”, which was taking place that very night. Eureka, I could actually go see male strippers. I was NOW old enough to participate in the ritual of stuffing the buck, I was after-all an adult now. The next task was figuring out who would go with me. Dragon was not yet old enough to partake in such matters and after checking I found that none of my friends could go on such short notice….CRAP! I had to attend this event…it was a rite of passage into womanhood…or so I thought. I was starting to think I wasn’t going to go when the idea of taking my aunt came up. Now I can’t remember if it was me or Dragon that came up with this plan, but I’m pretty sure it was Dragon…I think it was diabolical sabotage!
Before I go any further I must explain a little bit about my aunt, you see she wasn’t your normal garden variety auntie. She was never quite right mentally, she always acted a bit immaturely. She was also a single mom of three children who had been living on welfare since her divorce. She was the type of welfare mom who would send her kids to the store to buy gum with her food stamps so that she could use the change for cigarettes, and alcohol. She also was lacking in the social graces, but hey these were desperate times, and I didn’t want to go to the club by myself. I finally decided I had no other options so I approached her about going and she was all giddy with the whole idea. She got Dragon to babysit her kids and we were off to the club….Lord help me!
Once we arrived at the club we joined the other women who were waiting in the long line that had formed. I was standing there trying to appear all adult like and cool when my aunt blurted out something like “they’re gonna be humpin and a bumpin”. I quickly shot her a look and took a quick peek around to see if anyone had noticed. Whew, thank the Lord nobody seemed to notice. She managed to hold off on any more outburst while we were in line. We finally made it up to the entrance and they were requiring everyone to show ID. Well my aunt didn’t drive so she had no license, and she didn’t have any form of picture ID other than her welfare card. So she dug through her suitcase that she called a purse and was causing a scene trying to find her welfare card. I finally said “Good God can’t you just let her in, I mean you can tell by looking at her that she’s old enough”. The guy said they had to have ID from everyone and just at that moment my Aunt found her card and held it up in the air to announce it to everyone “here it is, here’s my welfare card”. I quickly paid our cover charge and hurried her through the door.
This is starting to be longer than I intended so I’ll just cut to the highlights (or most embarassing moments) of the evening.
- My aunt gets so loud and crazy when the strippers are performing that none of them would come near our table.
- My aunt gets so drunk she falls off her bar stool.
- My aunt plows people over with her luggage (purse) when heading to the bathroom.
- While in the very long line, in the very crowded bathroom my aunt yells out “I hope they hurry up I’ve got to sh*t”.
- While in the bathroom stall my aunt yells out “Hey hand me some toilet paper”.
Needless to say the next time the “All male review” came to town, I went shopping instead.