Category Archives: funny

Me, my Aunt, and the strippers

Well this morning I was thinking back to different things that have happened to me in my lifetime and I happened upon a memory that might be amusing to you all. Just think back to that tender age of 21, that age where you were suddenly bestowed with the power to enter a night club. Actually after my 21st birthday celebration I really didn’t think too much about it…that is until I heard an announcement on the radio talking about the Chippendale’s “all male review”, which was taking place that very night. Eureka, I could actually go see male strippers. I was NOW old enough to participate in the ritual of stuffing the buck, I was after-all an adult now. The next task was figuring out who would go with me. Dragon was not yet old enough to partake in such matters and after checking I found that none of my friends could go on such short notice….CRAP! I had to attend this event…it was a rite of passage into womanhood…or so I thought. I was starting to think I wasn’t going to go when the idea of taking my aunt came up. Now I can’t remember if it was me or Dragon that came up with this plan, but I’m pretty sure it was Dragon…I think it was diabolical sabotage!

Before I go any further I must explain a little bit about my aunt, you see she wasn’t your normal garden variety auntie. She was never quite right mentally, she always acted a bit immaturely. She was also a single mom of three children who had been living on welfare since her divorce. She was the type of welfare mom who would send her kids to the store to buy gum with her food stamps so that she could use the change for cigarettes, and alcohol. She also was lacking in the social graces, but hey these were desperate times, and I didn’t want to go to the club by myself. I finally decided I had no other options so I approached her about going and she was all giddy with the whole idea. She got Dragon to babysit her kids and we were off to the club….Lord help me!

Once we arrived at the club we joined the other women who were waiting in the long line that had formed. I was standing there trying to appear all adult like and cool when my aunt blurted out something like “they’re gonna be humpin and a bumpin”. I quickly shot her a look and took a quick peek around to see if anyone had noticed. Whew,  thank the Lord nobody seemed to notice. She managed to hold off on any more outburst while we were in line. We finally made it up to the entrance and they were requiring everyone to show ID. Well my aunt didn’t drive so she had no license, and she didn’t have any form of picture ID other than her welfare card. So she dug through her suitcase that she called a purse and was causing a scene trying to find her welfare card. I finally said “Good God can’t you just let her in, I mean you can tell by looking at her that she’s old enough”. The guy said they had to have ID from everyone and just at that moment my Aunt found her card and held it up in the air to announce it to everyone “here it is, here’s my welfare card”. I quickly paid our cover charge and hurried her through the door.

This is starting to be longer than I intended so I’ll just cut to the highlights (or most embarassing moments) of the evening.

  • My aunt gets so loud and crazy when the strippers are performing that none of them would come near our table.
  • My aunt gets so drunk she falls off her bar stool.
  • My aunt plows people over with her luggage (purse) when heading to the bathroom.
  • While in the very long line,  in the very crowded bathroom my aunt yells out “I hope they hurry up I’ve got to sh*t”.
  • While in the bathroom stall my aunt yells out “Hey hand me some toilet paper”.

Needless to say the next time the “All male review” came to town, I went shopping instead.

In the beginning…

In the beginning was the Plan.
And the Plan was without substance.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.” And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.” And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and declared that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit happens…

My Old/New Years Resolutions

I just noticed that my resolutions from last year are the same ones I have for this year….imagine that! 

Okay…It’s that time of year again when I start to think about my resolutions for the coming year. I really have a good feeling about this years list…hehehe!

1. I promise to quit smoking…even if it takes me the rest of my life to do it!

2. I vow to exercise less, too much exercise can really aggravate your muscles.

3. I will YELL at my kids more…darned kids these days can’t have too much discipline.

4. I promise to watch more television…for educational purposes. heh heh!

5. I promise to stop procrastinating…No wait I’ll do that one next year.

6. I promise to stop eaating so much junnnk foodddddddddd…D*mn it! I goot kriiispe Krreme all ovver mmmy keyboards and my keeeeys areee stiiiiiiicking!

7. I will only drink pure alcohol…none of that non pure stuff for me anymore.

8. I vow to stop spending so much money at the store. I’ll start using plastic instead…for the economy you know!?!

9. I will stop reading so much to protect my eyes!

10. Last, but not least…I will show my husband more respect. :::grits teeth::: “D*mn it Jose…What did I tell you about interrupting me when I’M BUSY!!”

A Hillary Joke

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

“What happened to you,” asked Hillary? “Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it !!

An urgent message from our Soldiers!

iraqisoldiers.JPG

This pic was shamefully taken from Wuzzadem.

Top Ten Reasons Halloween is better than…

Relations!

10. You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some goodies.

8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you their goodies.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

Appropriately Inappropriate…

…Or Talk Goofy to me baby!Okay so this post will either make you laugh or you’ll leave thinking Goldbloom is a weirdo.

Have you ever been in a romantic or intimate moment and were suddenly struck with a “Goofy Mood”. If you’ve ever been there you know exactly what I’m talking about, you’ll suddenly blurt out something like “She can’t take much more captain” or “Say hello to my little friend”. And of course you must always use the proper accent when saying such things. Sometimes the humor can backfire on you and other times it encourages your Love Buddy to retaliate with his/her own humorous lines, such as “Man Down” or “Me love you long two minutes” (thank you Jose for that laugh). Often after exchanging such witty quips you’ll be laughing and rolling around yelling stop…I can’t take it! You have to wonder what the neighbors, or God forbid the kids think. If you’re lucky (hehe) the humorous moment passes quickly, otherwise it’s comedy central hour. How about you guys, has this happened to you? If so feel free to add your own funny lines that have been spoken in a moment of passion/humor. Asta La-Vista Baby!